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2017 was not entirely an easy year for me – I suffered personal loss, the near breakdown of my marriage and many other challenges along the way, like everyone else. Add a crazy holiday week and it’s been an interesting end to 2017!
I thought it would all work itself out by talking therapy and trauma counselling sessions, daily meditation, gratitude, yoga and working out. But I was still tired… bone tired. And not just the usual exhausted mom feeling of being tired.
At one point I broke down. I’m a spiritual person and I asked God ‘Why do you hate me so much? Am I so unlovable that I need to be tested this way?’
I then begged Him to give me a sign – should I stay and fight for my marriage and my family, or has the time come to leave?
Christmas Day came and we had such an amazing time with our kids, watching them so excited with their new toys gave us immeasurable amounts of joy together.
Later on that day, Michael was on one side of our kitchen island and I was across from him making dinner. We were just chatting and all of a sudden, what I can only describe as an energy bolt went straight from the top of my head to my feet like a rolling wave.
I stopped and said to Michael, “Did you feel that?” He hadn’t felt it. I said it was a positive energy. It felt so weird, but we kept on doing dinner and it happened again and then again.
Michael was nervous at this point … I told him I have never experienced this kind of joy and happiness.
I stood there and realized that in my 40 years on this Earth, I had never experienced true happiness. Not on my wedding day, or the births of my children had I felt such pure joy. I felt as if my heart was going to explode as tears ran down my face.
Then I looked at Michael and there was this change about him. He smiled at me and I said whatever this was it had given me a clean slate.
Anything that had been done to me as a child, from my husband, anything bad at all was completely erased – my pain, my burdens were gone and all that weight had been lifted.
It was the best day of my life and I knew my marriage was not only going to be saved, but it would flourish.
God had answered my prayers in a big way. There was no way to explain the pure energy I felt, except it was the most beautiful happiness I had ever experienced.
My second surreal experience over my crazy holiday week was a little more scary.
I accidentally overdosed on my antidepressant medication (my doctor said it’s very easy apparently).
It sent my body into a panic, I hallucinated. At one point I had my children around me. I could no longer use my legs, I was hardly breathing and I felt my body going. I grabbed my children and told them “Mommy loves you. I am so sorry if mommy goes to sleep and you cannot wake me, know I loved you.”
I begged them to tell Tauriel how much I loved her and my children sobbed as they held me.
I was gasping for air that was not coming, I could feel my body systems shutting down and I knew I was going to die in front of my babies.
But, right before I blacked out I said to myself, “AMEE!!! Your children need you, your husband needs you!!”
With all I had I gave the biggest breath I could as life was going dark and somehow God let me breathe.
It was as if I was falling into the dark and came back to the light. It was another moment I knew God was not finished with me.
The last experience was when I was trying to keep myself calm. I was meditating and my Guardian Angel appeared.
I was holding a black ball containing all my worries; it was everything that held me back as a person. I was told to hand the black ball to my angel. I did and in return it gave me a pure white ball.
I started to cry as I was told to put it in my heart. As I did this I felt this pull of energy come out of my body and I felt such peace. All my worries were gone and I knew it was God speaking to me again.
If you know me, you know I am an OCD worrier; I worry about anything and everything. Since that moment with the angel I no longer carry that burden or weight. It’s as if in the kitchen God wiped my slate clean and gave me a new start.
With my near death I am still unsure, except I was again reminded I cannot control everything around me, I must learn to trust and not be held back by my own fears. I knew my purpose here on Earth was not finished and God must have agreed.
You might call this crazy, but at our marriage counseling session last week, before we even sat down, the counselor said he could see the difference. There was light again; there was joy. And as we sat down, I told her I thought I had lost my entire world, but with a clean heart I saw the person Michael truly was and while we still have work to do, God answered me in a huge way!!!
It was as if I had screamed out at God and instead of giving up on me, He gave me a sense of peace, joy, and happiness that I have never felt before.
I realized I have not worried since giving it all up in that dark ball. I am not sure why all of this happened to me this week except God showed me I was worthy of love, no matter what had happened to me or what was ingrained into me as a child; I was free.
I feel weightless. And the joy I felt in that energy bolt that ran through my body is still here. So I’ve ultimately been very thankful for my crazy holiday week!
As for Michael and I you would think we were newly weds with that playful nature and our kids have been ecstatic to see us getting along.
I share this because I was losing belief in God, I felt like I had no more to give my marriage, but tonight I know I serve a powerful and loving God.
If you’ve read this far thank you! I pray you gained something from a week where I have been forever changed.
Did you also have a crazy holiday week, maybe for other reasons?