Last summer I happen to listen to a podcast by Dani Johnson and she was telling a story about how years ago she wanted more children, but her husband was completely against the idea. One day her husband got very irritated and straight up told her. “If you want more children … take it up with your God.” The woman instead of getting mad took his advice and went to her closet and prayed to God that he would change her husband’s heart and allow her to have more children. Two months later the same man who didn’t want anymore children came to his wife and said. “I will give you two and that’s it.” After listening to that podcast I started to weep because 2013 to 2014 were very rough years for our family. We ended up losing three pregnancies and my body seemed to be broken. I decided to take her husband’s advice and while I didn’t go to a closet, I did get on my knees and I begged God to either help me become pregnant or take away my desire to have more children.
A Surprise Gift
That was last summer and I have to tell you that I was beginning to be ok about not having anymore kids. I had made some pretty lofty goals for this year in my business and also for myself fitness wise. I went away in January to a girls weekend and had such a great time, and truly enjoyed myself. Then my period was late, BUT what was new my body had seemed to be irregular since my losses. I was having night sweats and heart palpitations and other kinds of issues that actually made me believe I was starting perimenopause. My husband did not believe I was pregnant, but on a whim went and got a pregnancy test. I laughed at him and said, “It’s going to be like all the others … I’m not pregnant. You know I’m broken!”
Before I could even set the test on the counter it showed two lines: I’m pregnant!!! I stood there in disbelief and also a little bit scared that I was about to go down the same road and lose another precious baby. That was nearly 13 weeks ago and while I’ve been public for about five weeks on social media I hesitated to blog about it, to write about my rainbow baby that truly is a miracle.
When you have experienced loss it changes you as a woman and it makes you even more aware of how precious life is. Now this little one has given me a run for my money I’ve been sicker than a dog and yes I’ve lost weight, lack appetite and I am exhausted, but my heart is full. Last week at my first midwife appointment I held my breath because the last time I was there I saw no life and I left broken hearted. However, this time was different, as soon as, the baby popped on the screen there was a heartbeat of 166 bpm and a little hand waving back as if to say, “Hi mom! I see you and everything’s going be ok.” I struggled to hold back the tears not because I was sad, but because I was grateful that my body was not broken.
If you are a woman who has lost there are really no words that can even help take that pain away. At 13 weeks I am still not out of the woods, but what this has taught me is we should NEVER give up believing in the possibility. Keep being diligent, make your health a huge priority as I am sure it was a reason why I am even pregnant again, and do not beat yourself up like I have these past several months thinking I was broken. It does no one any good especially yourself. Love your body, cherish and take care of it and God willing you have another baby.