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I have tried to write this post for quite a while, but the timing did not seem right. I have written in my journal about it, but those pages are much to raw and sad for everyone to read. I never understood the journey once a woman loses a baby. I was always sad for my friends and even close family who had lost babies, but it was something I could not fully understand. As many of you know I have given birth to three beautiful children and I have also miscarried three beautiful babies as well in the last eight months. It is a journey I wish on no woman and the deep feeling of brokenness that can overcome you is overpowering. Today I am celebrating my three babies lives in hopes that I bring about pregnancy loss awareness and support to those hurting.
Pregnancy Loss Awareness
When I lost our first baby last December it was a shock. I had been pregnant three times before and those pregnancies were successful so when at 8 weeks I lost that baby I thought my heart would never be okay. We wanted to expand our family and given the okay from our doctor we tried the very next month. We were elated to be pregnant again and this time I was extremely sick, breast tenderness, just like I had been with my three healthy pregnancies. We went to see our baby for the first time at nearly 12 weeks, it was an exciting time we even brought our kids with us. I lay there on the examining room table watching the doctor’s face as she looked at the baby. I could see it’s little arms and feet, but there was no heart beat and there was no movement. At 10.5 weeks our fifth baby was not meant to be. It was awful lying there and my three kiddos were asking all about the baby. How do you tell them the new baby is dead? It was not a moment I wish to relive ever. I left the hospital feeling numb and broken. I felt like my body hated me and I wished with all my might I could crawl in a hole and die. It took me seven hours of labor before I was able to deliver that baby in our bathtub. I sat there with my mom clear across the country on Facetime holding my precious little baby.
It was after this second loss I sought help and all tests came back that there was nothing wrong. We sadly lost another baby at eight weeks along seven weeks ago. While there is a huge part of me who wants a fourth healthy baby another part of me wants to rip my uterus out and be done. I want any of you who are reading this to know how very sorry I am that you have lost a baby of your very own. There is nothing more heart wrenching and while I am still recovering from the crazy hormones after losing the last I know that someday I will meet my three babies. I wish this journey on no one, but if you are a part of it know you are NOT BROKEN, you a beautiful woman whose body had betrayed her for whatever reason, but you are not the reason.
Please be kind to those who have lost and maybe today for pregnancy loss awareness sent them a message, text, or even flowers to let them know you love them even if a part of their heart is missing.