Being a special needs parent is hard physically, emotionally, and it is draining. Being that we are a military family and move a lot we do not have the support of close family or friends, so a majority of my son’s care has fallen on my shoulders.
Sometimes I will admit I wish I was not a mother, (I know it sounds awful to say or even think that), but sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell the young woman that having children was not something she should do. It is purely selfish, it is one of those moments where you are so mentally and emotionally over the shit of motherhood that you just cannot take anymore. Where you want to be that woman in the bathtub begging Calgon to take her away from it all.
Don’t get me wrong I ADORE and LOVE each of my children, but I am also human. I am also a person who for nearly eight years has spent more hours than she can count in doctor’s offices, in waiting rooms of every pediatric therapist you can image. I have driven week in and week out 45 minutes one way three times a week with a screaming baby who hated her car seat and a little boy whose sensory overloaded ears also screamed just to get him to therapy. I did it and tried to make the best of it.
I have been that mom who watched her son not be able to cope with the world around him standing in corners mumbling, biting himself until he bled, and screaming 60% of his day. I have done it and I look back now at those really hard days and wonder how I came out of it still sane.
I have endured being shunned at play dates, by family, by church pastors, by school administrators and ignorant teachers, by other mothers who simply cannot fathom what it is like to raise a kid society deems worthless. I have been screamed and cussed at, I have been belittled and rejected as a woman and told I was worthless because I produced worthless.
So last week after nearly eight years of putting my heart, my soul, my everything I could give humanly possible I BROKE. I had a mommy meltdown and I wished with all my might that I could shake my son and finally have all the puzzle pieces fall into place. At that moment I would rather be the busy soccer mom who is frazzled trying to keep up with all of her kids extra curricular actives, but instead I spend hours and hours in waiting rooms every month. I was so overwhelmed watching my son struggle with the transition of being at a new school and watching his behavior regress I could not take it anymore.
I know logically this is normal, but the emotionally exhausted and spent woman was pissed and frustrated. If I could only sit my son on the stairs with my hands cupped on his cheeks, redirecting his deep brown eyes several times begging him to STOP IT! To stop touching little girls pig tails, going for those blocks in his teacher’s desk drawer, and to just do his work when he is told. I know easier said than done, but the selfish part of me simply wanted my son to be just like the others for a change. I know sounds completely absurd because he sticks out like a sore thumb even though he is high functioning, I wished it.
Why am I sharing this with you all because I feel it is important to bring about awareness of what being a special needs parent is like, even though no two journey’s are a like. It is never ending as his teacher told me last week in the car pool lane – she has never met a kid who had so much energy, he was like three kids wrapped up in one. Always on the go and I chuckled in my head when she said that because I thought I so know it because I live it. I also thought to myself no wonder I am exhausted and spent all the time because there are days where he won’t sleep, where he NEVER sits still, where he has so many questions it makes your head spin in circles.
When you see a mom or even a dad, but especially a mom of a special needs kid give them a hug. Try to fill their cup because most likely it is dry and when you are one like me you tend to hide from the world because you are so tired of being rejected and feeling like it is your fault because you carried this precious child into the world.
So I had a momentary selfish meltdown where I wanted to join in with society, but as I write this I say screw you society because my kid is AWESOME even if you think he is not worth your time.
If you are a mom who needs some support and do not have anyone to talk to please feel free to message me and friend me on Facebook. I love making new friends who understand the journey!